Book of Bulmash, chapter 149

Book of Bulmash, chapter 149

empty kid's bed.jpg
  1. Behold the empty bed of the nine-year-old child! Look, and see the glee this absence hath bestowed in the heart of this boy's mother.
  2. The boy had ignored the radio alarm designed to wake him. He slumbered despite the family dog's whine to be let out for bodily relief.
  3. But the boy could not ignore the sound of his mother breathing,
  4. For she had crawled into her son's bed and laid her head directly next to his own, so as to weaponize the breath of life.
  5. As the air left her nostrils, it roared inside the semi-conscious boy's ear like the sound of a thousand vengeful bees pursuing their prey.
  6. Of course, the child turned his head away from the sound. But this solution was short-lived,
  7. For his mother simply began breathing heavily in the other, newly-exposed ear.
  8. The child squirmed and grunted in protest, but to no avail.
  9. At last the boy cried, "Begone, mother!
  10. "I am awake and shall rise from my bed anon! Only thou must remove thyself and allow me to exit!" 
  11. "But my son," the mother responded, "thou hast plenty of room to exit, if thou climbest to the foot of thy bed.
  12. "There and only there doth an escape route wait for thee."
  13. Thereupon the mother resumed wielding her exhalation as a method of driving the child out of bed.
  14. The boy leapt out of his cozy nest, desperate to flee his mother.
  15. And once he retreated to the silence of the bathroom, the mother was wracked with a fit of giggles that buoyed her throughout the remaining morning routine.