Into the woods

Road trip!

The artists head out of town to be Inspired By Nature. The "Work of Art" show producers have decided you have to go to Connecticut to find the woods, but at least they chose a public park with an impressionist art trail. Swanky is, again, thrilled by the challenge, which also stipulates they must use something they've found in the woods. Cartoony and Designated Hotness... not so much.

For these city kids, there's too much... Nature.

And for once, the overwhelmed artist sleeping while they should be working is not Tortured -- it's DH. (Okay, her cold made it hard for her to work. Whatever.)

After a little talk with God, Cartoony gets his groove back. He gathers gravel to be used as a drawing medium. Swanky has something interesting going on with acorns that has to do with her grandfather's Algonquin heritage and his love of the outdoors.

Tortured considers making mustard gas as part of his piece, but decides it's not a good idea to kill off the competition. The Mad Hatter's experience of nature is from San Francisco's parks. So after a conversation with Tortured about what her piece needs -- oh, that can't be good --

MH goes for the public-sex-in-the-park concept, throwing some risque drawings into the branches of her artwork. The stakes are actually, as advertised, pretty high. Two will be eliminated tonight. So it really is go time.

Unfortunately for Swanky, the homage to her Native American ancestry doesn't really come through. The judges get more of an alien dinosaur egg vibe from it, and most of them don't get why the artwork is relatively small. The judges like the bottom half of MH's piece, but not the top half with the sex cartoons. DH makes another cold, distant piece, since she doesn't have the faintest connection to nature or organic substances.

Oh wait, there's one of the rocks she picked up. There's the connection. Tortured makes something that makes sense to the judges. But how he got from the fungus he brought back from the woods...

... to the torture device he used to paint a random bleach pattern on paper... WTF?

After the last two artwork debacles, 'Toony is ready to go all out and take some risks. He creates a self-portrait of himself lying down, with a wash of the gravel/paint in a water line beneath. It's called "Baptism."

It practically levitates off the page with emotion. Winner winner chicken dinner! Not a surprise: DH goes home. Big surprise: Swanky, not the Mad Hatter, gets the boot.

MH is shocked too -- she all but says to the judges, "Oh no, you've made a mistake. I'm the one you're sending home." But let's face it... 'Toony kicked ass, DH had no clue, Swanky's point wasn't clear, and Tortured is the Drama.

Maybe because this second-to-last episode had some actual drama, the show didn't bother with the fake drama of watching Swanky and DH take their artwork home. I'm so ready to see the finale but I don't want any spoilers --  no tease clips! Name the winner yourself in the comments section.

You're not dragging me down with you!

"Work of Art" contestants: Cover your face or cross your arms if you're sick of these "partner up with your competitor" challenges.

Switzerland announced the remaining six artists would pair up for an "opposites attract" challenge: Heaven and Hell, Order and Chaos, Male and Female. The Mad Hatter actually said "Holy shit" at this news. To be more specific:

So it's Mad Hatter & Goofy, Tortured & Designated Hotness, and Swanky & Cartoony. At first, it looks like S&W will be the dynamic duo: great conceptual work with amazing energy.

But pretty soon it's clear no one really knows what the hell to do except Swanky and Tortured. And Tortured mainly just wants to get DH naked. For the art, of course. (Well, that's what she does; she might as well do it in a Male/Female artwork.) Speaking of manipulative little drama queens, Tortured outs himself as such twice just in this episode: getting DH to strip for their art piece (not difficult) and admitting he got Starvingartist to hold back on using a material Tortured wanted to use.

All the pieces pretty much sucked.

I think the artists were shaken because this is at least the second time in a row that the challenge is too damn broad to produce something interesting in a matter of hours. Let the blame-storming and throwing-under-the-bus begin!

Goofy says he was just going along with the Mad Hatter's idea; MH says he didn't bring anything to the table. The judges allow Tortured to suck up and throw in his two cents. Long story short, the Heaven and Hell piece was too literal. Goofy goes home. And for some reason, Switzerland actually tears up delivering the news.

Why? It's not like she was fighting for him to get a second chance! WTF? Maybe you can explain it to me in the comments.

"Tell me about your muzzer." -- Dr. Freud

So sorry I've been away for so long... I had to make a deadline for an art exhibit that I waited until the last two weeks to do. Let's go back to the episode I meant to dissect two weeks ago: Dealing with your Childhood Angst Without the Help of a Trained Professional.

As you may remember, the contestants holed up in a children's museum.

And then they were forced to create something out of the crap student art supplies that only mixed-media artists usually know how to transform into something amazing. The artwork had to show how the contestants' childhood experiences transformed them into the artists they are today. The reaction from most of the artists:
"MY CHILDHOOD IS A LOCKED ROOM TO WHICH I HAVE THROWN AWAY THE KEY."

Especially Designated Hotness, who was once -- shocker! -- the kid nobody'd sit with at lunch time.

"It sounds sad, but I would just like, go in the bathroom stall and like, eat my lunch alone." (That explains the boob job and her obsession with the male gaze). Even Cartoony Boy, who usually has great ideas right away, is daunted. Tortured Artist is ready to curl up and die because he can't use his familiar tools: "I don't wanna go home for not knowing how to use popsicle sticks."

The only people excited about the challenge are Swanky and Weird White Girl the Mad Hatter. (Look at her headgear. I had to change her nickname.)

Oh yeah, and no more immunity for winning a challenge. Ready to call Mommy now?

Speaking of mommies, Starving is even more unprepared to deal with his childhood issues. Apparently his Jehovah's Witness mother pretty much ignores him now that he's not down with the church. "I know my mother still loves me to death but she, like..." [four LOOOONG pauses, blinks back tears] "she doesn't respect my life choices."  Poor bastards: they're being judged on their artwork and who they were as vulnerable kids.

Inspector Clouseau pretty much hates everything he sees, because they're recreations of actual childhood artworks. So do the judges and Switzerland. Only Swanky and the Mad Hatter create pieces that are both symbolic and personally meaningful.

The Mad Hatter's artwork looks like My Little Pony went to a swingers' party, but that's the point. "Rainbow" references her childhood growing up in a San Francisco commune -- again, what a shock -- and the people she loved dying of AIDS. Guest judge Will Cotton offers high praise: "I don't often see a work of art that I wish I'd made myself, and yours is one of them."

Starving goes home, but not to Mommy.

Tell me what you thought of this ep, but no spoilers for the next two! I haven't watched them on the DVR yet!