You're not dragging me down with you!

"Work of Art" contestants: Cover your face or cross your arms if you're sick of these "partner up with your competitor" challenges.

Switzerland announced the remaining six artists would pair up for an "opposites attract" challenge: Heaven and Hell, Order and Chaos, Male and Female. The Mad Hatter actually said "Holy shit" at this news. To be more specific:

So it's Mad Hatter & Goofy, Tortured & Designated Hotness, and Swanky & Cartoony. At first, it looks like S&W will be the dynamic duo: great conceptual work with amazing energy.

But pretty soon it's clear no one really knows what the hell to do except Swanky and Tortured. And Tortured mainly just wants to get DH naked. For the art, of course. (Well, that's what she does; she might as well do it in a Male/Female artwork.) Speaking of manipulative little drama queens, Tortured outs himself as such twice just in this episode: getting DH to strip for their art piece (not difficult) and admitting he got Starvingartist to hold back on using a material Tortured wanted to use.

All the pieces pretty much sucked.

I think the artists were shaken because this is at least the second time in a row that the challenge is too damn broad to produce something interesting in a matter of hours. Let the blame-storming and throwing-under-the-bus begin!

Goofy says he was just going along with the Mad Hatter's idea; MH says he didn't bring anything to the table. The judges allow Tortured to suck up and throw in his two cents. Long story short, the Heaven and Hell piece was too literal. Goofy goes home. And for some reason, Switzerland actually tears up delivering the news.

Why? It's not like she was fighting for him to get a second chance! WTF? Maybe you can explain it to me in the comments.

"Tell me about your muzzer." -- Dr. Freud

So sorry I've been away for so long... I had to make a deadline for an art exhibit that I waited until the last two weeks to do. Let's go back to the episode I meant to dissect two weeks ago: Dealing with your Childhood Angst Without the Help of a Trained Professional.

As you may remember, the contestants holed up in a children's museum.

And then they were forced to create something out of the crap student art supplies that only mixed-media artists usually know how to transform into something amazing. The artwork had to show how the contestants' childhood experiences transformed them into the artists they are today. The reaction from most of the artists:
"MY CHILDHOOD IS A LOCKED ROOM TO WHICH I HAVE THROWN AWAY THE KEY."

Especially Designated Hotness, who was once -- shocker! -- the kid nobody'd sit with at lunch time.

"It sounds sad, but I would just like, go in the bathroom stall and like, eat my lunch alone." (That explains the boob job and her obsession with the male gaze). Even Cartoony Boy, who usually has great ideas right away, is daunted. Tortured Artist is ready to curl up and die because he can't use his familiar tools: "I don't wanna go home for not knowing how to use popsicle sticks."

The only people excited about the challenge are Swanky and Weird White Girl the Mad Hatter. (Look at her headgear. I had to change her nickname.)

Oh yeah, and no more immunity for winning a challenge. Ready to call Mommy now?

Speaking of mommies, Starving is even more unprepared to deal with his childhood issues. Apparently his Jehovah's Witness mother pretty much ignores him now that he's not down with the church. "I know my mother still loves me to death but she, like..." [four LOOOONG pauses, blinks back tears] "she doesn't respect my life choices."  Poor bastards: they're being judged on their artwork and who they were as vulnerable kids.

Inspector Clouseau pretty much hates everything he sees, because they're recreations of actual childhood artworks. So do the judges and Switzerland. Only Swanky and the Mad Hatter create pieces that are both symbolic and personally meaningful.

The Mad Hatter's artwork looks like My Little Pony went to a swingers' party, but that's the point. "Rainbow" references her childhood growing up in a San Francisco commune -- again, what a shock -- and the people she loved dying of AIDS. Guest judge Will Cotton offers high praise: "I don't often see a work of art that I wish I'd made myself, and yours is one of them."

Starving goes home, but not to Mommy.

Tell me what you thought of this ep, but no spoilers for the next two! I haven't watched them on the DVR yet!

There's no "I" in "team"

Wow, this episode of "Work of Art" is practically a how-to guide on how to work on a creative team. And how not to.

See how excited the Red Team (Cartoony Boy, Swanky, Goofy and Starvingartist) were to create a piece of public art? Led by Swanky, the ideas flew back and forth with very little posing or grandstanding. Even from Starvingartist.

Starving pointed out there should be no moveable parts (nothing to break down or get stolen, right?) and that it should be durable and "sit-on-able." They settled quickly on a design that echoed the gravel shapes in the park site, with the largest piece a geometric "rock" people could lean or lay on.

Even Tortured Artist is enthusiastic about the challenge -- look! He's conscious! Unfortunately, this is about the last moment you'll see the Newb and Tortured work together comfortably. Or with enthusiasm. See, already the Newb's arms are crossed defensively.

At first, I thought the Blue Team, led by Tortured, would be able to get over themselves and work together. Designated Hotness made an oblique apology to the Newb for their drama in a previous challenge. She even tried to help him save face by passing him a note that suggests a more constructive way to argue his ideas.

But the Newb is hugely insecure that he doesn't have an art school degree like the other three, and he was sure they were shutting him out and discarding his ideas. He's terrified he'll go home for not having contributed to the artwork.

So he swings back and forth between being offended and considering DH's note. He settles on whining that the other kids won't play with him. By the time they're banished to the stewing room, the rest of the Blues are so sick of the Newb they leave him to sulk by himself.

Contrast the Blues to the Reds, who all are eager to praise each other's contributions. Someone's goin' home, and it ain't anyone on the Red Team. It ain't Tortured, either, even though two other contestants besides the Newb commented on his melodrama.

You know what was the final irony? The losing team chose to face their artwork towards the most open patch of skyline, which turned out to be the area that used to be filled by the Twin Towers.

So what was the most cringeworthy moment for you in this ep? Tell the world in the comments section.